It was a Sunday afternoon; I missed church due to the fact that I only arrived IB from AK that same day. Rather than sit at home and relax I decided to drive down to our still-new IB Shoprite, to buy some fat-filled bones for Bolton, my beloved but nutty little boerboel.
Driving out of the mall I drove past this babe, who carried three big Shoprite polythene bags, and was trying to flag down a cab. I checked her out from my inner mirror and discovered that she was the same babe who stood in front of me on the payment queue inside Shoprite.
A pretty babe with nice curves! She turned people’s heads as she walked out of the mall. Fine babe! I applied my brakes and switched to reverse, as my gentleman instincts kicked in, stopping by her side to give her a lift.
Abeg o! Na only lift I talk o! Make una no go take una reggae spoil my blues for my Chichi front; say her dude don dey womanize. I no womanize o! Na help me wan help the babe wey I kukuma enter trouble o! Make una no spoil my name, I don too invest ontop Chichi o! Anyone wey try to winshie me for her front ehn; Holy Ghost – Fire!
Back to my story. It took a lot of persuasion to get her into the car. I was quite sure that she chose to initially turn down my help because my vehicle was neither a Honda ‘evil spirit’ nor a Range Sport.
At least even if my motor car no be Range Sport or Muzzle sha bam for hin own level. AC sha dey work! That one na the koko! J
Anyway sha; after I tried convincing her for about five minutes that I had no evil intentions but was only trying to help, she eventually got into the car. No be her fault na; shebi na me wan play gentleman.
I tried starting a convo with her as we drove off but I noticed that she chose to respond only in monosyllables.
I told her I’m called O’seunfunmi; she only responded “Kemi”.
I told her I live around Ring-road; she responded “Apata”.
For every question I got a monosyllabic answer. In my frustration I asked her why she did not want to talk and I got the first shocker!
“I doesn’t know you, so why I am to talk!”
Eewoo!! I screamed inside.
My curiosity and the fact that I knew that relating the story to my friends, AY, Ela, Wole and ‘Oko-Funke!’ would be fun, made me push on.
I told her that it should not be a problem as acquaintances are made when we least expect. She still did not responded as much as I wanted her to.
Then I told her where I work and did the magic! Or would I rather say ‘the damage’.
She said “You are working dere? Eeyah! My ‘ess’ boyfriend uses to working dere too o!”
“Wow! Cool! What’s his name?”
She mentioned the name of one of the chronic womanizers I ever knew at work and I smiled.
Deep inside me I wondered how they met. Womanizers sha! Anything goes!
I asked if they were still together.
“No o! I have brake up wit him. He is a womaniser! He can sleep wit anytin in skirts! So I lif him to continue with my life”
I was in trouble!
At that point I knew the reason why the likes of Klint d drunk, Bovi and Teju Babyface would always ‘diss’ IB babes.
One particular one from Bovi came up in my mind… “Ibadan babes be like; my number is Sero eight sero, sefen sero sis….”
Her voice brought me out of my thoughts:
“You nko, haff you marry?”
Trust sharp boy, I responded ‘sharperly’; “Me Iyaff marry o! Iyaff born sef!”
She looked at me like she lost something and smiled.
“Anyway you can gif me your number when ayam want to drop so that I can be calling you time to time”
Me ke? I changed my story kiakia!
“My phone has issues o!”
“OK gif me your pin, I will be pinging you. Shebi this is your BB” she pointed at the BB B5 sitting in the compartment beneath my car CD. I knew I was stuck. I gave her my pin which she added immediately.
Devil sleep jeje, I go rub hin yansh!
By the time I got to NNPC Apata my head had been filled with all sorts of grammatical pellets. It took more than the intervention of Panadol tablets to solve my headache issues. I got home used meds, took my bath and took more meds before my ears stopped ringing with her not-to-be-easily-forgotten grammar.
She’s never stopped pinging me since! I made sure I never responded to any of her pings but there was no escaping her broadcasts! Brutal bullets that would kill faster than AIDS.
Her PM this morning nko? It took all the shine off my day. Abi how would a babe wake in the morning and update her PM as of 6.30am to read: “GOOD MORNING THIS MORNING; HOW WAS YOUR DAY?”
Cheers. See you soon.