CHILDHOOD NAUGHTINESS: The case of my first sex experience. (The story of the DADDY & MUMMY game)
Let me tell you about my first sex experience.
Yes, you heard me right – my first sex experience.
It was with a girl two years my elder.
Her name – Funke; and my age, Well I was about 5 years old then.
Don’t ask me how I got to know about sex o!
It just came naturally to me, like a suckling babe would go after its mother’s breast milk.
My parents and I were occupying ‘a room and a parlor’ apartment in a very big compound at the time and in the afternoons the kids in the compound would gather to play various kinds of games.
Over time we unknowingly broke into smaller groups and stuck with playing with only the other members of our group. My own group consisted of just two people, Funke and me. We would move far away from the others and play together quietly – like a couple.
Gradually we began to see ourselves as ‘husband’ and ‘wife when parents, seeing us together, would call us ‘Oko at’iyawo’. Shebi you know that feeling you get when you were young and your parents would call someone your husband or your wife…. Ehn Ehn; that’s it!
I’m quite sure you want to know how it happened.
Well in those days we use to play a game called ‘Daddy & Mummy’. If you are ‘pako’ like me you will definitely know the ‘Daddy & Mummy’ game, but if you are ‘buttie’forgerrit o! it aint your game.
For the benefit of those who never played the game,
Daddy & Mummy is defined as the process whereby two young kids of opposite sex come together to behave like adults. They exhibit adulthood behaviors by trying to cook imaginary food represented by sands and leaves in imaginary pots represented by tins of Bournvita.
They also pretend to take care of babies represented by dolls or real humans at least younger than themselves and finally they pretend to go to bed at night, imaginary nights as well, and do the things daddy and mummy do.
Abeg o; the above na definition from my personal dictionary o, before una crucify me say e no dey Advanced Learners Dictionary.
Sorry for the little digression, it was to educate those of us who are not familiar with the daddy and mummy game.
Funke and I had been playing daddy & mummy long before this particular day, but we had never gotten to the ‘night’ part of the game, so you would know how eager we were to get to that stage on this particular day.
It was early on a Saturday morning, I remember. We chose a side of the building – close to the entrance into the compound.
Which thing led to another I cannot remember now but I quite remember that Funke suddenly pulled me up from the sand where we were sitting and hooked her fingers to the front of my shorts.
When I looked at her in askance she said ‘That is what the Agbalagbas used to do; that a woman will hold on to her husband’s shirt and ask for money, then they will argue and then they will drag themselves into a room and then… Well, you know what happens in a room between a husband and a wife.
She said we should practice it but that we will start from cooking and arranging the house.
So we set about, cleaning the ground with a couple of brooms (actually the broomsticks were like 5 or 6). After that she started to cook in the kitchen – a makeshift damaged counter resting on the wall beside the compound’s entrance gate, while I rested in the parlour – another makeshift counter that was by the side of the first one.
All the while my mind was on the final part of our drama – the daddy and mummy game. Deep inside me I asked myself if she would get pregnant the moment I laid on her. I had this thought because of the fact that I once heard my mother berate one of my younger uncles about the way he gallivants around with ladies; and that one day he might end up impregnating one of them.
Funke juggled me out of my thoughts as she notified me that my ‘food’ was ready. We ate the food and then moved to the next step.
She told me it was time to do the thing and I jumped up with all alacrity. Then came the problem of where to use as our bedroom. We tried the general kitchen but as we got near the place I could hear Maami singing one of her numerous praise and worship songs.
We changed directions and checked out three other places with no success before eventually deciding to use the bathroom. Now don’t forget that we live in a face-me-I-face you compound so you can imagine how gross the bathroom would be.
Funke walked into the passage first, looked up and down, then looked back and signaled for me to follow her.
I put aside my distaste for bathrooms and followed Funke like a sacrificial lamb into one of the bathrooms in the building. Being my first time I followed her every instructions like a dog, while my heart pounded like crazy. Did I know if what we were about to do was wrong? Well I cannot remember now, all I remember now is how I imagined being laid out on her – enjoying myself.
When we entered into the bathroom she locked the door after us. Since we could not lie on the ground we chose to go about our business standing like passengers in a ‘molue’ bus.
And when it happened it felt like ‘heaven’ and me – well as young as I was I got to know that there was something sweeter than sugar and Maami’s okro soup, especially when I gyrate my hips like someone dancing Awilo Logomba.
After what seemed like an eternity in heaven, Funke finally pushed me away and said we should leave the bathroom before someone caught us.
Reluctantly I stepped back, but not after making her promise that we would be back for more action in a short while. Then I unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out.
I tried to pull up my shorts as I stepped out of the bathroom into the passage, feeling like a king;
In my haste I forgot to peep out and check the whole passage before stepping out.
That served to be my detriment that morning; for guess what? I stepped out right into Maami’s arms.
“Yee!” I screamed inside me as I immediately broke into a sweat.
“Olu ki lo n se ni’beyen?” She asked as she looked at me suspiciously.
Now let me tell you a thing or two about my mother. Naturally Maami would never have been suspicious had she not known of my distaste for bathrooms and our bathroom in particular and also my phobia for taking my bath.
I hated bathing like no man’s business; whether morning, afternoon or evening, I detest taking my bath.
Anytime the bathroom was mentioned in our room I would always cringe. My parents knew this so they try as much as possible to avoid sending me to the bathroom for anything except to take my bath.
So you know why Maami’s curiosity was aroused when she saw me stepping out of the bathroom, pulling up my shorts and smiling like a dunce. Also, coupled with the fact that I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw her, you know the kind of look you display when you are caught red-handed doing something you ought not to do, I knew she would never rest till she knew what I went to do in there.
“Olu mo ni ki lo n se ni’beyen?”She asked again drawing close to me menacingly.
“Raraa Maami, mo lo yagbe ni!” The moment I said that I knew I was screwed; poopoo in the bathroom? Oh my God! I was such a fool!
Maami looked at me as if I was crazy
“Olu? O lo yagbe ninu bathroom?”
Before I could utter another word Maami stepped beyond me into the bathroom only to find Funke cowering behind the door – pants down.
“Jesu mi oooo!” Maami Screamed “Ye ye ye ye, awon omo yii ti beere si ni se Sonkilisoso”
RULE #1: IF YOU LIE AND IT DOESN’T WORK, PLEASE GO FOR YOUR BACKUP PLAN.
I opted for my back up plan immediately as I took to my heels and dashed off in the direction of the front of the compound only to bump into my father, who was also rushing in the direction of the backyard – Maami’s voice must have attracted him.
He pushed me back as I bumped into him, before I could take off again he grabbed my arm and held on to me with a tight grip – he must have suspected that I was the cause of Maami’s scream.
As he dragged me towards the direction of Maami’s voice I began to poop in my pants, I knew I was in eternal trouble.
You want to know why? See ehn if my father slaps you; forgerrit o, for the next two hours you will not see well with the eye nearest to the location of the slap, talk-less of when he flogs you.
By the time we got to the bathroom eight other neighbors including Funke’s parents were already gathered.
You honestly do not want to know what happened next, when my father heard what happened, he slapped me so hard that the impact slammed me against the nearest wall where I crumpled like a park of cards.
Every other thing that happened next remained blurry till date. For one week I could not sit straight, my buttocks had been seriously sliced with my father’s pankere and doused with raw pepper.
As for Funke, her face looked as if she had an okada accident. Anytime we met in the passage we would both take off in the opposite directions as if we would be killed we were ever caught together again.
It took me another nine years before I could… y’know, even then gan-an I fainted thereafter, and it took the girl, my grandma and my younger brother to wake me up after continuously sprinkling water on my face for close to 20 minutes.
DISCLAIMER: THE ABOVE PICTURE IS IN NO WAY RELATED WITH THE STORY. THEY ARE THE KIDS OF AN ELDERLY COLLEAGUE WHO AGREED TO LET HER KIDS’ PICTURE FEATURE IN THE COLUMN.