Before you read today’s episode of Biafra Headquarters, please take a few minutes to go through the below:
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AND NOW TO OUR HILARIOUS STORY:
This episode is rated PG13 specially for Miss Oreoluwa Atobatele, Biafra HQ’s 13yr old avid reader; Happy Birthday to you dearie and the BFQ wish you many happy returns. I hope your daddy AA will not kill me for this 🙂
Last episode on Biafra Headquarters…
Kris: You know wetin go happen ehn, follow me make I kukuma give you the money.
Yawn from Osareme.
Osa: Ok oga Kris. Make I follow you quick quick go collect am before I go sleep. E be like say that this thing dey make person sleep.
They both stepped out of the shed and head for the house, Osa in front of Kris. Kris could not believe is luck. He smiled as the ‘konji’ began to spread to his legs.
WHEN A HEN OVERTURNS MY ‘MEDICINE’…..
As Kris walked behind Osa the only thing he had in mind was getting laid and nothing was going to stop that. He overtook Osa as they stepped into the passageway of the BFQ and rushed ahead to unlock his door. He stepped in and help the door open for Osa as he pulled her into the room after him.
He licked his lips as Osa stepped into the room groggily and quickly locked the door after her. Then he set about to business, trying as much as possible to hasten things up before BFQ filled up again with people.
“….Lalala … tit for tat.” He hummed as he unhooked his jeans and stepped out of them. He watched her robust shape on the bed and wondered where to start his assignment from. As her chest rose and fell evenly, their massive size reminded him of the conjoined twin loaves of bread that Iyalaje sold at Challenge.
“…Lalala..” He hummed; he was going to enjoy himself real good.
As he jumped on the bed and attempted to climb atop the dead-drunk Osa….
He heard the rustle of a bag being unzipped, after a few moments he heard a hiss and another knock.
“Kris, are you inside?”
The voice sounded Oyin-ish.
“Kris!” The voice definitely belonged to Oyin.
No one needed to tell Kris that he was in trouble.
*** Come see as Konji disappeared in the ‘face’ of wahala***
He stared at his half naked body, then at the massive heap Osa formed on the bed then finally at the door and he began to sweat like a Christmas goat.
“Kris! Where did this man go just now ehn? Where could he have dropped the keys?”
Kris dove for his mobile phone in an attempt to switch it off. He knew that the next thing Oyin would do was to call his mobile phone. Too late! Before he could get to the phone it rang out in its characteristic Chinko sound.
Pararan…Pararan, Oga I dey ring o! Pick me up, Oga I dey ring o!
He could not do anything about it. He left it to ring, tying to stay as silent as possible and praying that the useless heap on the bed would not wake up soon.
***Hehehehe, Na God of before before dey tay before e cash person, God of these days nko, na jet e dey use***
Osa chose that moment to twist and turn on the bed. She groaned noisily.
Once again he dove, this time around for Osa’s mouth! Lucky him, he succeeded!
While Oyin kept calling his number from outside the door, all he could do was hope and pray that she would assume he stepped out and left his phone inside.
After a while his phone stopped ringing. All he could do was wait for her to step away from the door…
Then he heard her on the phone:
“Hello dear, where are you?”
A pause, obviously she was listening to the person on the other end.
“The useless man is not at home jare, let me come and meet you where you are…”
“Ok, I will come now. I love you too. We go do am sharp sharp ni o!”
Oyin must have ended the call because he could hear her walk away.
Kris was shocked; his worst nightmare had just been confirmed! His wife was dating someone else. As he ran to the door in an attempt to rush out and confront Oyin his nemesis – Osa groaned again from the bed reminding him that he was not the only in the room.
All his anger went out like lights-out as he remembered that he was also in a trouble of his own. All attempts to gratify his konji had been saturated; he looked at the lady on the bed with disgust, all thoughts left in his head were on how to get her out of the room successfully without anyone’s notice.
…. I’m sorry I hurt you baby….
I long to have you back,
to kiss, cuddle and hold you tight…
…You are my love forever…
Please baby let’s kiss and make up…
Our love’s worth more than break up….
Wemimo felt sober as regret filled her mind. The song which played from the earphones stuck in her ears really touched her soul. She felt really bad for what she had done, really bad for having to toy with his emotions – Boiyi’s emotions. She should not have returned evil for evil. Boiyi’s action was not enough to have warranted such a reaction, such a treatment from her.
Yes she was not in love with Boiyi, but she kinda liked him. He was really cool in a crazy way. Boiyi was an ‘agbero’ agreed, yet he stood out because he was semi-educated. According to him he could not continue his education because of his parents’ financial status, but he planned doing so as soon as he had gathered enough money to sit for UME again.
There was something good about him, she knew this and that was what she exploited. It was a means to an end for her – to the very end and when it backfired she blamed him and took out the revenge on him. She felt really sober and ashamed of what she did. She had to go and ask for his forgiveness, she had to.
She removed the earphones from her eyes just in time to hear Oyin making a call in the passageway.
“Useless Woman” Wemimo hissed.
Wemimo knew that Oyin was cheating on her man. She also knew who her cheating partner was, but she would not be the one to go squeal on her. Kris, her husband, would have to find out about it himself, in his own way; and whether he found out or not it was his own business. All she needed to do now was find a way to reconcile with Boiyi and she would find a way to do it within the next one week.
Dele checked his time as he rushed into the kitchen. He almost forgot his pot of soup in the kitchen. He was about to leave the house when he remembered that he had left his pot of soup in the kitchen. To crown it all Yetunde, one of his numerous babes, had only just prepared the stew for him a day before with all sorts of assorted meats and it would be disastrous to lose the stew without as much as enjoying three decent meals from it.
He folded the cuffs of his packed white ‘okrika-made-easy shirt and quickly warmed the stew again before he lifted the pot off the stove and made for his room. He would keep it in the room till when he returned at least that way his soup was safe from intruders. Also, the fact that Halyah had travelled to the village with Amarachi helped matters a lot, he would have the whole room to himself.
He smiled as he increased his pace in an attempt to quickly drop the soup in the room and still be able to meet with his appointment on time. He stepped into the passageway from the backyard only to step into the puddle of water that gathered in the passageway. With no friction available to hold him down, Dele slid off the ground like an ice-skater on an Olympic competition. Like the slow-motion scenery from a movie Dele’s two feet left the ground and he temporarily hung in the air as the stew upturned in air and poured all over him.
Both Dele and the stew pot landed on the ground with a thud.
***Come see me see trouble o***
Dele let out a yelp like a dog caught in a snare. “Yeeee! Ye ye ye ye ye yeeeee!!”
The pains were unbearable. Of all the pains racking his body, the greatest pain was that of the stew he just lost. All his plans for the day were temporarily forgotten as he lamented the loss of his tasty stew.
Chai! #3,5 stew! Just like that! He never even bothered about his stained white shirt. He just kept staring at the pieces of meat scattered all over the floor around him. Impulsively he reached for a piece of meat sitting on the ground nearest him and picked it up. The next destination for the meat was his mouth….
*** At least ‘ti a o ba j’oba aa j’eba J***
Boiyi’s enthusiastic spirit dampened as he walked past Wemimo’s room. Ever since he had discovered that she was the one who planned the ‘gbege’ every iota of affection he felt for her had disappeared. He never believed she would be capable of doing that. He had almost set up Musiliu because he never believed Musiliu did not have a hand in the set-up, thank God he had not finalized the plans else he would have regretted it for his entire life.
Now he was going to show Wemimo pepper. Real pepper! The hotness she would not be able to down with water. Soon she will differentiate between the thickness of khaki and that of leather.
Kris brought it out from under his dansiki and stared at it with relish. He could not wait to see it work. He had been assured of its potency. He had gone extra mile to get this and would ensure he used it right. He remembered the Law of Moses “When a bird spills one’s milk, killing the bird will not solve the problem, you break its eggs, that way the bird would go through as much pain as it made one go through’
His lips curved into an evil smile as he began to imagine ‘its’ results.
He just could not wait!
Oyin startled him as she stepped into the room but he quickly hit it before she could see it. She caught his awkward movement and questioned it but trust sharp man; he claimed he had a tummy ache and needed to quickly step out of the room to use the loo. Before Oyin could question that too, he walked out without looking back.
Ajiri heard the knock on the door and quickly jumped out of bed. He rushed to the door and flung it open with a huge smile plastered on his face. The smile froze when he saw who was at the door.
Quin was not yet back from her long trip to Lagos where she had gone to help her elder sister who gave birth and since he was on the mend with Enah, he had invited her over to the room and they agreed that they would meet that night, but who he found at the door was not Enah.
It was Mama Enah! His surprised quickly turned to anger as he raised his eyebrows to question her.
“Wetin you want by this time of the night Mama Enah” He asked in his characteristic throaty voice.
Mama Enah smiled patronizingly “Ajiri invite me in first now, haba!”
Ajiri hissed and attempted to shut the door in her face but Mama Enah was faster than him. She stuck her thigh between the door and the doorpost. She pushed Ajiri back and quickly stepped into the room before he could regain his balance.
“Wetin dey do you sef Ajiri? Wetin? Since that day wey we don do am you no even look my side again. You wan make konji kee me? Abi you no know say me sef need make dem dey service my engine daily by daily? I no like am o!”
Ajiri was shell-shocked by her outburst and could only stare at her in silence, the silence which Mama Enah mistook for concurrence and began to undress. When she was done undressing herself she stepped closer to Ajiri and began to undress the still shocked man. She pushed him on the bed and was about to straddle him when the door to Ajiri’s room was kicked open from outside……
Boiyi locked up his room and was about to step out to the verandah of BFQ when about 15 heavily armed men strode into the house. Instinctively he made a U-turn and almost made a run for the backyard when a baritone voice stopped him in his tracks
“Stop there! You wan run abi? Run make I take this gun draw map of Nigeria for your back”
Boiyi needed no further prompting; he dropped straight to his knees and fell flat on his face.
“Broda ejo e maa yin’bon o ejo!!!!”
“Sharap! Who dey follow you yarn Yoruba? One of the robbers said, drawing closer to Boiyi. He kicked him almost breaking his ribs. “Idiot? If you talk anything I go take this gun scatter your head”
No instruction had been this clear before to Boiyi, he understood every word as if they were spoken in vernacular. He went quiet while praying to his dead father for help – any help whatsoever.
“Which way to your room?”
“Sir?” Boiyi asked
Gboooosa! One very hot and resounding slap landed on the back of Boiyi’s neck as he laid face down on the floor.
The question needed no second asking, he answered with the speed of lighting:
“Broda, na him be that” He pointed without looking; at least he knew the way to his room.
“Oya lead me there now now!”
Boiyi jumped to his feet and without looking at any of the robbers’ faces he led one of them to his room. All he noticed as he walked back to his room was that every entrance to the rooms in the BFQ had been manned by at least one of the robbers.
Dele was in the room with Karrissa, his latest babe; she helped rub Vaseline on his blistered thighs when he suddenly heard a loud slap followed by a bellow in the passageway. He stood, pulled up his trousers and stepped out to know what was going on. As he peeped out of his room he saw them.
Dressed in black overalls, masked faces and black hats were men with guns, guns that would make AK-47 cower in fright. One of them pointed a gun at someone on the floor, someone who looked like Boiyi. Dele dashed back into his room. Too late! One of the armed robbers had seen him. The robber made after him threatening to blow the door off its hinges if he attempted to close it.
Dele dove for cover and landed on the bed, covering his head with the nearest pillow.
“Bros I no run o, abeg na mistaki o!”
“Sharap!” the robber shouted
With the swiftness and the flexibility of a trampoline athlete Karrissa also dove for cover landing on her heavy chest, immediately her armpits showed signs of heavy sweating.
Latifu quietly turned the lock on their door and signaled to his parents to hide under the bed. They had just returned from the hospital where Baba Latifu had been admitted for 3 weeks due to his breakdown from severe beer hangover and had nearly died. It would be disastrous for him to be beaten at this his recovery stage, he would surely die.
Since no one knew they were home yet and their windows had always been the heavily covered type which even when the lights are on inside the house, it would still be hard for anyone outside to figure if anyone was inside. They would just hide and keep quiet till the robbers left.
As Baba and Mama Latifu hid conveniently under their mattress, they tried as much as possible not to make noise. Every illness in Baba Latifu’s body had evaporated like mentholated spirit. From his experience as a retired gateman he knew how armed robbers operated. If they succeeded in keeping quiet till they left they would surely be safe.
At that point when they had successfully settled under the bed Baba Latifu inhaled the thick dust from under the bed and let out a huge sneeze.
What could be worse!!!
He sneezed so hard that anyone two houses away would have heard it loud and clear. Before you could say ‘JACK ROBINSON’ their door was kicked open by another of the robbers.
Luckily for Wemimo she don follow Aristo go.
Enah, Osa and Edidiong were not also at home. They had gone for night vigil in their church some hours before the invasion started.
Kris and Oyin walked out of the room themselves without being prompted and laid face flat on the floor. They knew the danger of staying in their room and risked being spotted as the robbers kicked down every door in the compound.
“How much you get for this room?” The robber in charge of Dele’s room asked him
“I say how much you get for this room”
“Em…em…em…” Dele stalled until a hot slap nearly tore his right cheek apart.
“Yeeeeee!!! Oga I get money o! E plenty well well. Yeeeee!!!”
Dele went silent; an exam hall could not have been more silent. Karrissa never even breathed not to talk of wriggled.
“How much you get for house?”
“Em…em… 2,5 sir!”
The robber corked his gun and said: “Ehn? Wetin you talk?”
As he heard the gun cork Dele nearly pooped on himself, he bleated like a ram headed for the slaughter house.
“Walahi Oga that one na mistake. I wan tell you say na 12,5”
“Na lie you dey talk”
“Haaa Oga I no lie o, you fit ask am” Dele pointed at Karrissa.
As Karrissa realized Dele was pointing at her she screamed out “Oga na lie o! I no know anything o! Na my mama send me come meet am o, na money for the ogi wey he buy dem send me come collect o! Dele na God go punish you! I no sabi you at all at all”
“Sharrap” the robber bellowed and started to ransack the house. “If I see more than 12,5 you are in troub….” He had not finished this when he found a bale of 50,000 in the pocket of the first suit hanging on Dele’s cloth rack.
“Ehn! Wetin be dis? Shebi you talk say na 12,5 dey your hand”
When Dele looked up and discovered he had been found out he bursted into tears:
“Ahhh Oga Ahhh…. Mo gbe! No be put am there o! I don tell my dead mama make play me dis kain joke. I don tell am say make she no dey leave money for my coat like that o she no dey hear”
The robber was beginning to enjoy Dele’s discomfort.
“Sharrrrrappp!!!!! Which dead mama……..? Your mama don die?”
“Yes sah, she don die!”
“Bros na next week, ahh sorry last week, emm…. Emm.. I mean last year”
The robber broke into laughter,
“Sharap idiot. Na lie which dead mama… you dey lie ….”
Dele did not allow him to finish before interrupting:
“Ahhh Oga I no lie o #heavy hiccups from a grown-up # My mama like to dey do that rubbish since she don die. I go comot, when I come back I go come see money for coat. I don tell am say I no like am she no dey hear”
The robber tore Dele another beautifully hot slap eliciting a further yelp from him as he rubbed the back of his neck where the slap stung the most.
The robber kept searching, Dele kept weeping – hiccupping like a kid and Karrissa, well, she just kept quiet and kept praying that it would be over kiakia and she could go home. Right where she lied face-down, she promised her God that if she could escape this ‘Agbere’ will no longer be a part of her life.
“Everybody hands-up, your face to the ground!” The robbert who broke into Ajiri’s room said.
From the brief view Ajiri had before he ‘faced the floor’ the one who barged into his room had a gun in his hands and a mask on his face. It dawned on Ajiri quickly – Armed robbers! He pushed Mama Enah off and immediately turned on his chest and faced the ground.
Mama Enah who had her back to the door turned around quickly to stare straight into the eye of the gun.
“Osanobua o! Abasi mbon!” She screamed as she also dove for the floor landing squarely on her chest, in her fear she did not remember to cover herself up.
The eyes of the robber who broke down Ajiri’s door nearly popped out of their sockets as he stared as the naked ‘rotundata’ that stared back at him from the floor.
“Eewo! Jisox! Oga make you come see wetin I see o! Jisox!” he kept repeating as he stared at Mama Enah’s naked bombom.
(See you next week; feedback and comments are welcome)
IF YOU MISS NEXT EPISODE, WELL YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN
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