Last week on Biafra Headquarters…

After the sixth cup of paraga, Ajiri was too drunk to have noticed the liquid mixture Mama Enah brought out from under the table with which she did her mixtures. While he was busy ranting of on the situation of the nation, she added a portion of the liquid to his seventh cup and passed the cup to him.

Na so kasala bust o…..

 This week….

Ajiri woke up groggily. His mouth tasted like ashes. His mango shaped head throbbed harshly as he raised his head to look around the room. His memories defied him as he repeatedly tried to remember where he was. He sat up in bed to look around the room. Threadbare curtains adorned the windows and an equally old and threadbare rug, which could have been any color from red to brown, covered the whole floor.

He looked around again wondering where he was. The room looked vaguely familiar. To one side of the room party cooking pots were stacked. On one side of the pots a reading table, now filled with different bottles of local hot drinks, stood. On the other side of the stacked pots a tall standalone mirror also stood. Cloths were strewn across the mirror in a disorderly manner. Even the standalone wardrobe by the other side of the mirror was not left out of the disorderliness. The room was not his; he was sure of that yet the room looked oddly familiar.

Before he could think further the door to the room opened and in stepped his worst nightmare, grinning from ear to ear like a village idiot. The dirty wrapper wrapped around her fat frame matched the hue of the teeth her grin displayed. Mama Enah waddled into the room and towards him like a penguin in heat; she sweated and smelt of wood smoke. Ajiri could not believe his eyes; he looked round the room once again and remembered why the room felt so familiar.

It was Mama Enah’s room. He had only been there once, only once, the day he slept with Enah. Yes, the day he slept with Enah. He shook his head as the images of Enah and that escapade threatened to mix with the unbelievable bulky image of her mother – Mama Enah assaulting his vision at the moment.

He jumped from the bed escaping by inches the stretch mark covered arms she had stretched out to hug him.

Still shocked beyond words he blurted out:

“Wetin you dey do for here?” Then he remembered he was in her room and he corrected himself: “Wetin I dey do for here Mama Enah?”

Mama Enah paused, confused.

“How I enter here Mama Enah?” he asked again as his confusion grew with his every breath.

Mama Enah relaxed as she realized he obviously seemed not to have a recollection of their romp all through the previous night.

“Ajiri Ajiri, Ajiri my love. Shebi na you take ya leg enter here. Abi no be you temme say you love me?”

Ajiri became more confused.

He! Told Mama Enah he loved her! He could not believe his ears!

“Why… How.. Wetin.. Wetin … Which rubbish you dey talk” Ajiri stammered.

Mama Enah drew close to him again, now enjoying his confusion.

“My dear come now. Wetin dey do you? You no like how we do am? Abi I no satisfy you well?” she turned around, shaking her plumpy bumbum at him.

Ajiri was shell-shocked “Do wetin?”

Mama Enah cocked her unkempt head as she drew close to Ajiri “The tin now” She slapped her crotch repeatedly for emphasis “The thing wey we do throughout the night”

“Yeee! I don enter am o!” Ajiri screamed and took off in the direction of the door

Mama Enah was swift for someone her size. Before Ajiri could open the door, Mama Enah dashed across the room and threw her body on the door as a stopper. With sheer strength that surprised even her she pushed Ajiri back with her left hand before grabbing him with the right. She lifted him off the ground and carried him towards the bed.

So much for the body builder called Ajiri.  ******Shake my head for him*****

Mama Enah threw Ajiri on the bed and fell on him stifling every noise he could have made. The only thing left to be seen were just the flurry of clothes and sheets as Ajiri struggled unsuccessfully to push her off him.

Walahi Konji na bad thing. Mama Enah nearly killed Ajiri that morning.


“Sorry o!” Dele muttered clumsily as he ran into the lady who she stepped out of the passage into the backyard. Dele was returning from the latrine where he had gone to dump the remains of his stomach after taking Mama Enah’s ‘Opa Eyin’

“No problem” The lady said as she smiled widely, stepping past him into the backyard.

“Abi na you be the new tenant?” Dele asked after her.

“Yes oga” she replied without turning.

“Welcome o” he said as he stared after the roundest and most packaged backside he had ever seen. Dele’s eyeballs nearly popped out of their sockets as he watched them jiggle. He drooled as the lady bent down to pick up a bucket that fallen on its side. He ‘oohed’ as the sight of her mere backside ignited sparks in unmentionable places.

“Choi! Oluwa o! This babe na wa o! Shuo! She as she bin arrange the tin like moinmoin”

“Yee!” Dele screamed silently and rubbed his crotch against the doorframe as he peeped from passage and watched her stomp to kill a cockroach that had darted across the yard. As she stomped on the cockroach her buttocks jiggled wildly.

“Choi! Na this babe go kill her husband o!” He muttered to himself as he straightened and turned around. He turned only to bump into another person – a man. A man who glared at him with hatred bldly etched across his face. A man who stood two feet taller than Dele…

Dele hid his embarrassment as he spewed out a greeting “Oga well done o! How you be?”

The man did not respond, he only glared the more before also walking into the backyard to join his wife. Dele stared after him, grimacing at the man’s anger. He peeped out after the man only to catch sight of the woman’s breasts as she turned towards her husband. He had not noticed them when he bumped into her. The breasts, which were tightly packed under her DKNY tank top, were very big – like two huge pawpaw held together by tiny strings.

“Jesus!” He exclaimed out loud, unintentionally, only for the man who walked into the backyard to turn back. Dele quickly withdrew his head and took to his heels, rushing into his room, making a mental calculation of what size of the bra could have held those massive things together.

“Choi! That bra go be size 42d o” he muttered silently. “Olo’un I must to touch those things. Walahi I must to feel”


Two days later..

Baba Latifu sat in the BFQ verandah lamenting on how broke he was. He was so broke that he could not afford up to his regular 5 cups of paraga. That was his daily guage – he would not take anything less than that. He had been expecting money from a certain friend of his but that one has not delivered as expected.

Baba Latifu knew where Mama Latifu kept her money. He wondered if she would discover a couple of naira missing from her safe. While he was still contemplating on whether to go invade his wife’s safe, Halyah broke into his thoughts…

“Good afternoon Baba”

Baba Latifu raised his head to look at him.

“Halyah Halyah, How are you o?”

“Fine baba”

“Hahan wetin you dey do for house for afternoon ke? You no go shop??

“Baba I go shop o! I just quick quick come receive some drinks ni sir”

“Ahh ok o, so you don dey go back to shop abi?”

“Yes sir, but I need your help Baba Latifu.” He held out a bunch of keys “Dele bin forget hin key for house in the morning and I sure say he go come back before me. I wan make you helep me give ma the keys”

“Ok o, no problem” Baba Latifu responded collecting the bunch of keys from Halyah. “I go give am”

Halyah handed over the keys to him, thanked him and left.

As Halyah walked off a thought came struck Baba Latifu’s mind. He was sure the bunch of keys had a key to Room 12. He had seen Dele unlock the door with a bunch of keys. He knew they stored drinks in the room but he was not sure of what made Dele stay for as long as 3 to 4 hours in the room. His curiosity had been pricked weeks earlier when Dele came out of the room all sweaty, this was his opportunity to know why…


Boiyi breathed more easily as he loosened the bandage that had been on his left hand for weeks. He had taken off the bandage wrapped around his head a week before; things looked brighter for him now. Now only the bandage around his left leg remained and that also would be removed within the next week. Things were looking brighter for him.

Boiyi itched to return to the park, to gather information about  who might have planned the hit on him. He suspected four people; Musa his greatest rival at the park, Karounwi a driver he had fought with some weeks before, Dele his neighbor and arch compound enemy. And finally Wemimo; he still could not fathom why he suspected Wemimo but he knew she could do such. The other day when he fell in the passage it seemed like he heard her laugh. He was not just sure if he heard right or his ears had played pranks on him.

Whoever it was he knew he would get to know. He only had to give it time. He gently flexed his left hand trying to work it back into shape.


Oyin sneaked out of Room 11 into the passage with her mobile phone in her hand. She talked rapidly into it for a few moments, listened for a while and talked again. She smiled cheekily revealing a good set of teeth and dimpled cheeks.

“Honey, where I go meet you?”

She listened to instructions on the phone, then…

“Okay I go come very soon. You know say this useless man dey house, if he don comot I go come”

She listened again

“Okay my dear sugar-sugar. I will come soon, bye bye o”

She pressed the red button on her phone smiled and walked back to her room. She looked around to confirm no one saw her receive the call. Satisfied no one did, she entered her room and locked the door. Unknown to her, Quin had heard everything – she had her door slightly opened to allow in fresh air in the hot and humid ember month and thereby heard everything Oyin has said on phone.


Baba Latifu sat down on the work table in Room 12. He gawked at the quantity of crates in the room and how the crates were stacked from ground to the ceiling. He looked around the room and wondered what Dele could be doing here for hours. Nothing called for extra attention. Nothing at all; all he saw were crates of big stout – empty bottles and filled bottles. He also saw a lot of bottle corks and a machine on the table but he could not understand what they were used for.

“Kai! These boys ehn! Dem dey make money for here o! Imagine the plenti plenti crates of stout wey dem get for here. if na me get this business I go don rech gidi gan-an ni o! I go don build big house like Baba Rashidi oni pool. I go even dey drink one one bottle everi day, make my body dey jollu well well”

He rubbed his palms affectionately on the crate on the table. 11 of the 12 bottles in the crates still had their drinks in them. He brought out a corked bottle from the crate and his mind went back the memory lane to the days when he could drink a ton. He longed for those days now; those days when he would wolf down plates of goat meat pepper soup and bottles of small stout. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and he caressed the bottle of beer he held in his hand. He longed for a bottle of beer. He wished he could have one now. Unfortunately he could not afford one at that moment and there was no way he could get to drink one, except ……


Baba Latifu uncorked the first bottle and tilted the contents into his mouth. After a few gulps he emptied the bottle. He returned it into the crate and let out a heavy belch. Then he picked the second bottle and then the third one…..

One hour later Baba Latifu lay sprawled on the ground with 11 bottles scattered around him. He belched heavily again as he snored…..

See you next week, Hov.

Biafra Headquarters is also available on


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