Oga teacher looked left and right as he peeped out of room seven. Although it was early morning he had to make sure no one was in sight. He looked around again as he stepped out of the room. He took a detour to the backyard for two reasons; one, to be extra sure no one saw him and two; to clean up before returning to his room.

Room seven. He had been frequenting the room for more than two weeks to ‘visit’ Norah. It started like a joke. Norah had approached Oga teacher to help her with her preparation for coming University matriculation examination and he agreed. Every evening Oga teacher would sit with her for two hours and take her through the four courses she would sit for, in the exams. Their closeness brought about a bit of sexual tension and a lot of unspoken words. Then one very cold and windy evening something clicked and the rest was history. The timetable changed from lessons to … well, I am sure you do not want to know what it was. Norah’s exams were about ten days away yet the last time they actively picked a subject to review was more than two weeks. They had been very busy reading the other book, the other something.

As Oga teacher stepped out into the backyard he caught a whiff of Indian hemp wafting towards him. From afar he saw Ajiri sitting on a metal bucket with a jumbo wrap Indian hemp between the thumb and index fingers of his right hand. He panicked, trying to make a quick U-turn but it was too late! Ajiri looked up and saw him before he could dash for the passage.

He had been caught; he looked around as if in search of something, while pretending as if he did not see Ajiri. He was about to return into the house when Ajiri’s gruff voice reached him.

“Oga teacher, gu morring o!”

“Ah Mr. Ajiri, good morning to you too. I did not know that you were there. I was just looking for ….” He looked around as if to corroborate his story “…something”

Ajiri grunted as he said: “Oga teacher, e dey here o!”

Oga teacher paused, confused.

“Mr. Ajiri, what do you think I am looking for?”

Ajiri laughed, “How I no go know wetin you dey look for, Oga teacher?”

“Tell me what it is, if you say you know” he dared Ajiri, partly out of curiosity and partly out of sheer confusion. He drew closer to Ajiri expecting him to make a fool of himself.

Ajiri took a heavy drag from his jumbo roll before responding:

“Oga teacher, who no know say na water you dey look for? Shebi you just dey finish marathon race ni? Abi shey no be say you just run factory finish?

Oga teacher had never been more confused.

“Ajiri, how do you mean?”

Ajiri smirked; “No be for Norah room you just dey comot? No be you dey handle dat her big yansh now? Oga you dey try o! Small man like you wey dey carry yansh wey be like bag of cement”

Oga teacher was short of words as Ajiri busted into a laughter that sounded more like howls. He made a turn for the passage knocking down an empty bucket in his haste. This only spiked up Ajiri’s sense of humor. He continued to laugh till his jumbo wrap fell off his fingers into the puddle of water gathered beneath the bucket he sat on. He cursed as the water soaked the wrap, rendering it useless.


Same Day: around 7AM.

Latifu rolled over in his sleep.

He grunted as his mother shook him.


No answer!


No Answer!

Two heavy slaps: Twack! Twack!!

Latifu jumped up with a start! The sting of the slap was hot enough to pull him out of his dream.

“Yee! Yee! Eti mi o!”

“Sharrap! Idiot! Morning don reash! Your mates don wake since. Oya go baff make you go prepare for work”

Latifu grumbled as he stood from his mat. He hated mornings. He wished he could stay in bed for hours like his father, who never woke before nine in the morning. Now he had to go prepare for work again. His steps showed his frustration as he walked out of the room that morning.


Boiyi scooped rice into the plate and added the vegetable sauce he prepared to it. His mouth watered as he added two pieces of chicken lap to the meal but he cautioned himself not to touch the food. The food is for a very special person, a personal person, Wemimo.

It’s been six days since their trip to the eatery and he had not yet ‘done’ anything. He was getting restless and had the notion that Wemimo was playing on his mind. When they returned from the eatery that day, he had tried to do something but she claimed ‘NNPC was supplying’. He was very disappointed yet he kept silent.  But now, ‘after careful consideration’ he would have his way.

He smiled when he thought of his plan. He had gotten a little amount of ‘block’ from his friend at the park which he added to the vegetable sauce he specifically prepared for her. He added curry and thyme to the sauce in order for her not to get suspicious. His plan was to serve her the food in his room and when she had eaten and fallen asleep he would ‘puyanyan’. He started to imagine the scenery, while rubbing his crotch against the kitchen table.

He was about to carry the plate of food out of the kitchen when something struck his mind. The meal was not complete yet. Something important was missing. He kept rummaging his mind till he got it!



A plate of rice, vegetable sauce and chicken will not be complete without a bottle of coke. He covered the food and left it on the kitchen table while he stepped out to buy a bottle of coke.


He watched as Boiyi ran out of the kitchen in haste. Curiosity made him draw closer to the kitchen. He looked in through the window and saw a plate covered up on the table beside the camp gas that Boiyi always used. He looked left and right before stepping into the kitchen. Drawn almost magnetically to the plate from the entrance, he strode towards it, opened it and came in contact with the best meal he had seen in weeks.


Vegetable Sauce!


“Yee! Mogbe!” He exclaimed.

He thought about the food waiting for him inside the room – Beans and Bread.

“Yee! Mogbe!” He exclaimed again.


The moment Boiyi stepped into the kitchen he knew something was wrong. He looked on the table beside the camp gas, the food was gone. He wiped his eyes as if trying to wake from a dream. He closed his eyes and re-opened them. The food had disappeared. He was in trouble. He ran out of the kitchen.


He balanced gingerly on the edge of the ‘salanga’ as he quickly wolfed down the rice and chicken. The food was very delicious. He smacked his lips as he tore into the chicken which drained oil down the corners of his mouth.


Boiyi let out a loud scream at the backyard. He screamed at the top of his voice as he rained curses on whoever stole his plate of rice and chicken. He ran around the backyard like a mentally deranged fellow. He kept looking through everything with a hole. He checked the gutters. He checked other kitchens. He checked inside every buckets in the backyard. Still he could neither find his plate nor his food. His major problem was not the food but the stress he had gone through to prepare such a food with the ‘block’.

“Sango lo ma pa eni to gbe me l’onje o! Olo’un sango lo ma pa ‘ya oluwa e o!” he screamed on top of his voice.

Suddenly his mind went to the toilets. One of them seemed locked. He walked towards it with clenched fists.


He smacked his lips in delight, belching in response to the growl in his tummy. This was the best food he had had in a while. It was really delicious. The deliciousness of the food lifted his spirits and he felt like opening his wings to fly…..


Boiyi kicked open the door. It was not locked. The door was not locked. It only seemed locked from afar. He was about to turn back when his eyes locked on to the plates sitting at the far end of the toilets – empty. His plates, no food; he let out another scream as he called on various fetish gods to punish the evil doer.


Latifu felt funny as he dressed up for work. He smiled for no reason. He looked round the room. The paint appeared different. Someone must have changed the paint overnight. He asked himself why he did not notice that in the morning when he woke. He concluded that he must have been too sleepy to have noticed.

He looked up at the ceiling fan, the blades had doubled. They were now five instead of the traditional three. His mind tried to connect the dots as he imagined if the fan was also replaced overnight. He shook his head to clear the spider web that seemed to be spinning before his eyes. His head kept telling him it was only his mind playing tricks on him.

He slapped both sides of his face hard, to regain composure. To himself he said:

“Clear off, good-for-nothing thoughts”

His mind cleared up a bit and he regained his focus. Then his mother stepped into the room. He looked at his mother and suddenly became very scared. His mother a naturally lepa woman seemed to have quadrupled in size. Her head looked as swollen as the head of Yokozuna from WWSix wresting. Her arms and legs were as large as the body of an elephant. Her skin was hairier than Haruna in the Ibadan zoo. When his mind could not process all the information getting into his brain he let out a loud scream. He took to his heels, pushing his mother aside to get out of the room.


Baba Latifu downed his sixth cup of paraga. He was under the tree in front of Mama Enah’s shed whiling away the evening. Mama Latifu had gone to the village to visit her parents. Latifu had gone to the workshop where he worked and no one was at home to keep him company. Not even Sikira, omo iya Awero, the lady he occasionally sleeps with to calm his nerves, was around to help wipe off the ‘agro’ that was ‘catching’ him.

He belched loudly as he viewed Mama Enah’s backside where she sat mixing herbs. Today he had chosen to sit in Mama Enah’s shed, enjoy her paraga and get himself high enough to sleep through the rest of the afternoon. After six cups of paraga he was high enough to fall off a six-storey. He was high enough to fantasize even about Mama Enah’s sagging backside.

Even at sixty-five years of age had the virility of a thirty year old man, all thanks to the incessant consumption of Paraga and ‘Opa Eyin’. Just the previous week he had gotten a very strong hard-on by playing peeping Tom on Albino and Amarachi as they got down to real business in one of the empty rooms  in the BFQ.

He leant away from the table supporting his cup of paraga to spit out the phlegm that had gathered in his throat. Doing so, he saw Amarachi walk past. Talk of the devil, and he reared his ugly head. Watching her walk pass set fire in his loins; she walked slowly, drowsily, like a sleepwalker. The way she moved triggered something in his mind. Something silly but true. He was already high enough for his tongue to loosen beyond control.

“Mama Enah (Sic!)” He belched as he called out to the Paraga seller

“Ehn wetin? Baba Latifu?” Mama Enah responded, cranking up her nose. She had never been a patient woman.

“See (Sic!) that girl (Sic)”

“Who” She asked without turning back.

“(Sic!), Mama Amarachi pikin (Sic!) That one” He pointed at the lady who just walked past.

“Ehn, Amarachi. I see am. Wetin do am?” She asked suspiciously as she turned to face Baba Latifu.

“You know (Sic!) say (Sic!) she dey pregnant”

“Choi Baba Latifu!” She exclaimed.

“Olo’un!” He touched his index finger to the tip of his tongue and raised the same finger to the sky. “She dey (Sic!)pregnant. If na lie, (Sic!) make I die”

“How you know?” Mama Enah asked patronizingly.

Baba Latifu smiled smugly but kept mum.

Mama Enah’s curiosity was aroused. The way Baba Latifu smiled, it was obvious he knew more than he spilled out. Mama Enah left where she was soaking herbs in dry gint o come and sit by Baba Latifu. She smiled sweetly at him as she patted his laps,

“Oya now! Baaaabaaa Latifuuuuu! Tell me something”.

Fifteen minutes later, Mama Enah was armed with enough information to divulge to her friend and town folk, Mama Amarachi on the secret pregnancy of her daughter – Amarchi.


Ajiri peeped from the window holding on to his crotch as he watched the drama unfolding in Wemimo’s room. He had always suspected the girl to be an Aristo but he had no proof. Now he had a proof, he turned to return to his room and ran into Boiyi who had been watching him for a while as he peeped into Wemimo’s room.

Boiyi wanted to let out a scream but Ajiri quickly placed his hands on his mouth and drew him closer. He pointed to Wemimo’s window and made a ‘shhh’ sound. Boiyi drew closer to the window to see for himself what Ajiri had seen. Seeing what Ajiri saw, Boiyi farted. After a long while of watching Boiyi turned away from the window and busted into tears.


Dele was still holding on to his crotch as he stepped into the room. The pain was unbearable. He was sure he had contracted gonorrhea. He winced as the pain coursed through his body again. As soon as he locked the door to the room he began to pull his trouser to allow fresh air blow in between his thighs.

On the bed rested Halyah, his albino friend and roommate. Halyah smiled smugly. He was also sure Dele had contracted gonorrhea.

“Dele the player” Halyah hailed as he laughed uncontrollably as he hit his palm against the bed continuously.

“Choi!” Dele exclaimed obviously in pains “Susan don kill me! Kai I suppose use protection that day o!”

Dele’s lamentations only served to fuel Halyah’s laughter. He laughed till tears spilled from his eyes.

Dele angrily threw his trouser at Halyah.

“Shey you dey different from me ni?” Dele said.

“Yes o! Me I dey different” replied Halyah as he threw back the trousers at Dele.

“How” Dele shot back.

“Well…” Halyah shrugged, “I would have used protection”

Dele thought about how it had happened. Susan had shown up at his door as per planned. Before he could take her out, Oga Mopol, the man he owed money had shown up at his door. He had stylishly talked Oga Mopol into coming back for his money after promising that he would put an additional fifteen percent to the money he owed. After successfully sending Oga Mopol away he had taken Susan out and after their plates of Ogufe and Nkwobi they ended up in a short-time hotel room and the rest was history. Had he known he would have used protection and now he wished he had.

He would have to cough out money to buy drugs and treat himself. Halyah’s laughter brought him out of his reverie.

“Brother gono-Dele, wetin you dey think”

“Your father!” Dele cursed as he jumped on Halyah on the bed and started to hit him – playfully.

There play was cut short by a knock on the door. Halyah pushed Dele away as he adjusted his shirt and walked to the door. He opened the door to an already boiling Mama Amarachi, an old lady selling used wares down the street. She was brimming with unbridled anger, beside her stood her daughter, beautiful Amarachi, who Halyah had a go at, just about six weeks before. Without further ado, Halyah knew he was in trouble.

“Albino ya own don finish today! Na you impregnate my pikin abi? God don punish you today” Mama Amarachi’s voice was enough to bring down the whole roof….


(See you next week; rejoinders are welcome)



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